Long before the Kremlin hacked 2016, there was an innocent time when "Hack the World" was just a cool MTV-style trailer tag for a candy-colored hip adventure like HACKERS, a ‘90s NYC WEST SIDE STORY for the digital age featuring Angelina Jolie and Jonny Lee Miller as cyber-star-crossed rebel lovers crusading against “the Machine” man.

Yes, the suspense was killing me. It was Saturday night, I was broke, the trains were running for shit, so I turned the TV to This. Then CALENDAR GIRL MURDERS appeared like a vision before me. ‘Hmmm- Tom Skerritt, Sharon Stone, ‘80s models in leotards, January, February – Think I’ll see where they’re going with this.’

The cop-dog buddy movie (TURNER AND HOOCH, K-9, this dreck) is a much-maligned genre of filmmaking magic. In the best cop-dog film, the canine pal becomes closer than a human partner, a true confidant that will take a bullet for ya and still hump your leg after a long day. But it's a genre that seems not to have made it into the new millennium. Maybe we just need a gritty, Jason Bourne-style techno-update. Instead we get K-9000.

Has there ever been a cockier first-time testament to an artist’s cinematic vision? Sure, CITIZEN KANE makes all the lists, but Syracuse-born comedian Bobcat Goldthwait’s 1991 directorial debut SHAKES THE CLOWN still stands as a stunning achievement; or at least the best drunk clown-noir you’ll see this year.

The horror. It's well established that we love Rodney Dangerfield, but then there's MEET WALLY SPARKS. There are some things in life you can’t ‘unsee.’ Rocketing up the list is the spectacle of a middle-aged Cindy ‘Shirley Feeney’ Williams romping in her under-things as a pale Rodney Dangerfield bangs out the ivories during his badly lip-synched rendition of Bob Seger’s ‘Old Time Rock n’ Roll.’ This misplaced RISKY BUSINESS homage is merely one in a series of disturbing scenes in this bottom-of-the-barrel Rodney vehicle.