In this second month in the year of our lord 2017, Obsolete salutes that rule of diminishing returns – the shitty sequel! (And the importance of staying regular.) True – every rule has its exceptions, but THE GODFATHER PART II and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK these are not. Instead we present two Goodwill dollar-bin regulars, the ecologically minded HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING (1991) and the Steven Segal strangers-on-a-train terror-fest UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY (1995). Yer welcome!
Just the fact that these films feel the need to ‘punch up’ their titles with postscripts should tell you something. So what exactly is quickening in the second installment of the Scottish Matrix franchise, HIGHLANDER? It seems the Earth’s ozone layer was endangered in 1999, see, and the warrior MacLeod (Lambert) spearheaded the design of an artificial shield- which by 2024 has led to the side-effect of constant night, corruption and really high humidity. Luckily a corrupt megalith called the Shield Corp runs it, extorting the public for its ‘protection.’ Can ex-Shield employee and eco activist Virginia Madsen & the inexplicably Hispanic warrior Ramirez (Connery) inspire a bored and mortal MacLeod to strap on his sword and save the day against the vicious Katana (Michael Ironside) and the forces of corporate darkness? Maybe-
Then we go off the rails with the continuing ass-kicking adventures of ex-Navy SEAL chef Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal) — this time on a train! All he wants to do his take his niece (Katherine Heigl) on a train journey from Denver to LA to pay her respects at her dad’s grave. But they keep pulling him back in — ‘they’ being deranged set-chewing ex-Defense Dept. computer genius Travis Dane (Eric Bogosian!) and a gang of terror baddies bent on prying secret codes for his satellite weapon from some Defense officials who just happen to be along for the ride. It’s up to Ryback to take out the mercenaries one by one, thwart Dane’s evil master plan and rescue any innocents still alive from ‘dark territory.’ (And all in time for a beer with Putin?)
Do yourself a favor and come down to Freddy’s for a palate and colon-cleansing good time – all during the bar’s legendary Happy Hour, with trivia and prizes for the lucky ones. Flush!